Empathy - from Dominic Barter

"The word empathy suggests to me more then an understanding of what’s happened to someone else, but almost like a lending of my sense of them to them that helps them reconnect to themselves in a deeper way. And when we really reconnect internally, we discover that we have a wealth of options and the joy of life is the engagement in what’s happening around us, to celebrate and support those things that are aligned with our values and to engage with those things that aren’t and invite them to transform. So that’s what I’m looking for, that inner connection, that leads to action. Inner connection is within myself and it’s with that that I’m then able to engage with someone else in a way that doesn’t involve me being submissive or attempting to dominate them. That’s why I say it clears the blocks to action, action which is inclusive. I describe empathy as one of the conditions that enables me to connect internally and therefore to act in a way that doesn’t create separation and distance, but brings people together and creates power, basically, through partnership, the desire to co-create the conditions that we want to live in. ... It has fundamentally to do with me being fully and authentically present with you in such a way that that quality of presence becomes practically contagious, your organism is supported in reconnecting inside and therefore able, willing, engaged to take the next step."

"…It feels really good to be heard. And I take that as a clue and follow that deeper and … what is it about being heard that’s so good? Well, I’m seen, I become visible, I’m understood, and people give that language which I think everybody already knows. My understanding is that they are describing a sense of being supported in being myself. Being supported in being at peace with reality as I’m experiencing it from this viewpoint. And that is profoundly empowering. And once we are empowered, we transform, because that’s what’s the most fun to do. We support the things that work for us and we engage with the things that aren’t."

"As I’m interested in us building capacity through personal practice, I’m also really interested in What is a school that supports, that makes it logical for empathy to be the next step that I take in my day-to-day dealings? What does that school look like? What is a family in which empathy is the logical next step when disconnection emerges or conflict becomes painful? What would a justice system look like where it makes sense that empathy is at the heart of the way in which these people come together to create balance, safety and inclusion for everybody? I’d like to invite people to start thinking beyond the intra- and interpersonal levels and start questioning What does it look like to setup social structures which are designed with the intention of creating the conditions for empathy to emerge."

"I like the word presence. The first three letters of the word presence, the suffix, meaning That which comes before, pre, and the root of the word means To Be, the s-e-n from Latin. So presence is that that we are, before anything else. Before we do anything, before we have a sense of our own identity, before we have any intention or make any movement. Presence is not something I need to train, it’s not a skill, I don’t accumulate presence or the ability to be present. And yet it is in some way a practice. Rather, it is a practice not to interfere with presence and allow it to be in a way that is fuller and fuller and more and more visible to someone else. So my understanding is that when I listen empathically to someone else, I turn up the volume of my presence in such a way that it includes them. I’m inviting them to experience me as being fully present with them. I may be judging them, I probably am in my case judging them, making some kind of diagnosis, believing that they should change in some way, agreeing with them or disagreeing with them. Whether I’m doing that or not, doesn’t seem to make an effect on the quality of presence. What makes an effect is where do I focus my attention? Do I focus my attention on that constant stream of judgement that I have in my head? Or do I focus my attention on the place in which they and I connect, our common humanity, that which we share? When I focus my attention there, things begin to shift. Or at least, the invitation for them to shift is clearly on the table."